I hate these words, they just dont’ sit well with me at all. Don’t get me wrong, I missed alot of important things about Cali – the Sisters there, the kids at Savio, the huge Parish- and I love all these things very much, but certainly not these ideas of seperateing your soul from your heart. I’m certainly not a wise person, so maybe I just don’t understand these things at their fullest yet- but it seems to me like the only place these concepts will ge me to is a state of mind where I no longer can possess emotions of humanity- because I’m supposed to be so darn submissive and detached!

What’s so wrong with loving something? a place? Is it a sin to be comfortable and happily set in your ways?- I hope not! I say- if it ain’t broke, dont’ fix it! Whoever thought up all this detatchemtn stuff anyway. I’ve come to know that it’s one thing to be detached from what keeps you from finding God, but another thing to become so detached that you can no longer have a good friendship or do things the way you feel comfortable. Right now for me, these concepts only cause a bit of heartache, I can’t say that I’m at a palce where they bring me closer to God.

Sad as that may seem, I’m working on it- but it’s no easy task. Nothing is an easy task anymore. So why is it that children look foward to growing up? Why do seniors look foward to graduation day, and college? I don’t get it- this life only gets harder so maybe I’ll try to stay put for a bit. Too bad the forces of nature and the convent are against me.

that’s all for my rant- please dont’ take me too seriously, because I rarely do myself.

That’s all for tonight…. many more thoughts, but sleep begs reletlessly

Here it is: Cat Stevens, Wild World

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware….

Find yourself

And so there it is, my life in song. Take it how you will- but honesty is key. All we have is authenticity and for me- few things are better experienced and expressed than in music. I don not live to please people- I am who I am because of who God placed in my life, I am who I am for His sake. I live to please God, and if that somehow isn’t apparent to you- so be it, His opinion is the only one that matters. Tell it like it is. Grab the bull of life by the horns and hold on with all you’ve got. Seek and ye shall find, one way or another. Ask and the answer will be given to you- whether you like it or not. Find the path God has chosen for you, and adhere yourself to what you feel God wants you to do and become- with all your heart, mind and soul. NIENTE TI TURBI!

Letting go has so many ways of manifesting itself within my life. Detachment from friends and family is no easy task, but every rose has its thorn… with that like Guns and Roses got it right. Leaving the “things” behind that make us feel accomplished, safe and secure are no longer necessary.. because Christ must be the only thing that fulfills us and our only necessity. In reality… when you get right down to the heart of the matter- what more could you want?? He is all there is, the source and summit- Love. Habits and ways of behavior must be let go of, and He must take over within us. I must decrease, and He must increase… Thank you John the Baptist =) he got it right.

So far the road less traveled isn’t easy, yet not half bad… but it is loveable in it’s own peacful sense of belonging and purpose. There is an unrest placed within me that in many ways is very beneficial. There is  a longing and a certainty for need of growth and improvement. Without that feeling of necessity for improvement- how will we ever arrive at a place where God wants us? It is not a struggle with God’s will.. but rather a striving to achieve it.

In short, I’m just letting Go and letting God.

Peace to you all… for what I have I wish to give to others =)

“and its a long way from here,                                   to the place where the home fires burn
well its two thousand miles and one left turn…
…welll I love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl”

I’m moving to California in 3 months! AHHHHH!! In all honesty… I’m pretty darn scared. Ya know how everyone at some point dreams of moving to the place farthest away form their small town childhood home? Well I had those dreams too, sure who wouldn’t? I’ve decided that when push comes to shove, the adventure of moving so far away looses it’s glimmer and attraction to fear. The up side is it’s not like I’m just moving away without anywhere to go or anyhting like that, that’ll all be taken care of. So that aspect is fabulous. I’m also fairly used to being away from home, and have been for a long time- thank youuuu Camp Auxilium. The catch is, I haven’t been on a plane since I was 9, and I’ve NEVER been this far from home, and this time, I’m moving OUT! As in, not going back, leaving the nest, getting out of the bubble that is Scranton,  leaving my family for good. This is ccrrrraaazy! I can’t believe that the time is here and now. We’re jsut standing on the edge of the abyss that is life, waiting to dive in.

I hope I remember my parachute, because I dont’ plan to hit bottom any time soon- that’s all I can say.

The sad thing is, I did do that. I went through the motions alot. In the midst of it all I wasnt’ realizing that if we don’t live life to the fullest and take advantage of every opportunity we are given- we are just skating by, and dancing through life without really making a mark or leaving any footprints. There are lessons to be learned from this behavior, some- inevitably learned the hard way. If we just coast through life- what have we gained?- nothing. What have we lost? – everything we could’ve had. I just went to class and warmed the seat. Some may think I’m being a bit tough, but I don’t think that way- I’m the type of person that’s not easily satisfied. Haha, maybe I’m just a fussy pain in the butt, there is always something lacking.

 Somehow it feels like I’ve never given enough. No matter what it feels like there’s always a need to do more, and be more. In some cases I’m certain that I could’ve had greater success if I put more effort into it, but in other circumstances it takes all the running you can do to stay in the same place.

So I guess all I can say is that if all I do for the rest of my life is  “show up”, I certainly won’t be doing enough, and I won’t be a very happy camper. So here’s the plan- to not only show up, but to live it well, and to the fullest.

Anyone remember that scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day off?? Well, I do!- and when he sings Twist and Shout in that parade- it’s fabulous! I love Twist and shout just because it’s in that movie- that movie is maybe my favorite of all time.

I’m sorry to complain so much- I’m on a rant again, I know. I think I’ve just been very restless lately, I cant’ really say why, I just wish i could stop stressing.

There just has to be more than all of these things that seem so insignificant and lame. What’s stressing me out?- stuff that doesn’t matter!- My dance teacher is not so happy with me, and I’m stressing over our show coming up. She expects dance to be my life and the only thing that I care about. There was a time when this was the case in my life and whenever I had a free afteroon it would be spent in the studio working because I loved what I did and couldn’t get enough of it. Now, there is so much more to love. Over time and as you grow the things that once fulilled you no longer fill the void, you must broaden your horizons and move on. It is fact, that these days there are bigger fish to fry than dance and the studio. I must readjust my stressors according to my priorities. Hopefully then I can relax a bit, and actually do what I want to.

So… If I’m going to get through anything and grow I’ll have to accept the things that i cannot change, but it is not easy to know the difference. All in good time.

As for overcoming my slight disadvantage by being the youngest- I’ll share with you  one of my favorite bible passages, it basically sustains my life!

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
-Timothy 4:12

All we can do is our best-  at any age. 

 As of April 18th there are officially only 24 more school days until I graduate from high school! With the ending of high school, is the ending of whatever remnance of childhood that I have left. Such a bittersweet realization, to leave all that you have known behind and move on. Sometimes we can become comfortable in out current situations, and becuase of this we resist change. Though we resist it, change in inevitable and something that we all have to face.  Everyone gows up, whether they like it or not,  and so I face a turning point which is slightly more intense than the one that many of my classmates are facing.

In discussing the end of high school with a good friend she gave me some good advice… this time of high school only comes once and you must live it to the fullest, love it and relish every moment! I think I’m doing a pretty decent job of this- high school is fun, and there are lots of things I’m going to miss. God knows I keep myself busy enough, but sometimes we are TOO busy. Too busy to savor the moment and take inventory of what’s really going on in our lives.

This leads me to a new problem- I’m on the verge of quitting dance for good. This spring I’m scheduled to be in two shows, Sound of Music and my dance Studio’s- Lion King. Rehearsals for two shows are just too much to handle at the same time right now. It’s been causing alot of unneeded stress. I just can’t do it all, something’s gotta give. I’ve been dancing for abotu 6 years now, and I’ve loved every minute of it- but when push comes to shove I prefer to have time to sleep over dancing for 3 hours a day and then another 4 hours of play rehearsal every day. In years past I’ve been able to juggle with little trouble- but this year is different. Too many schedule conflicts and too many  missed Lion King rehearsals to fully commit myself to the show. Just as there are two sides to every story there are two sides to this one as well. I made a commitment to both shows, and I HATE to quit something after I’ve made a commitment. I feel like I will have let some one down, and there’s almost nothing more that I hate then that.  Yes, there is yet another dilemma and another choice to be made. After all, that is what life is right?- choices.