Archive for Life
January 4, 2008
· Filed under Life, aspirancy, experiences · Tagged detachtment
I returned to california today, and a little part of me missed it just a tiny bit, or at least I thought I missed it. Then, I was caught like a deer in headlights. O ne thing led to another… and my heart was right back to where it had been, being smashed to bits by concepts like: “detachment” “submission” and “change”
I hate these words, they just dont’ sit well with me at all. Don’t get me wrong, I missed alot of important things about Cali – the Sisters there, the kids at Savio, the huge Parish- and I love all these things very much, but certainly not these ideas of seperateing your soul from your heart. I’m certainly not a wise person, so maybe I just don’t understand these things at their fullest yet- but it seems to me like the only place these concepts will ge me to is a state of mind where I no longer can possess emotions of humanity- because I’m supposed to be so darn submissive and detached!
What’s so wrong with loving something? a place? Is it a sin to be comfortable and happily set in your ways?- I hope not! I say- if it ain’t broke, dont’ fix it! Whoever thought up all this detatchemtn stuff anyway. I’ve come to know that it’s one thing to be detached from what keeps you from finding God, but another thing to become so detached that you can no longer have a good friendship or do things the way you feel comfortable. Right now for me, these concepts only cause a bit of heartache, I can’t say that I’m at a palce where they bring me closer to God.
Sad as that may seem, I’m working on it- but it’s no easy task. Nothing is an easy task anymore. So why is it that children look foward to growing up? Why do seniors look foward to graduation day, and college? I don’t get it- this life only gets harder so maybe I’ll try to stay put for a bit. Too bad the forces of nature and the convent are against me.
that’s all for my rant- please dont’ take me too seriously, because I rarely do myself.
September 16, 2007
· Filed under Life, The becoming, reflection, religious life · Tagged detachment
There are things that you must realize and accept as absolute truths when you are discerning the Will of God, or at least that’s what I’ve decided, especially in the context of the religious life. My most recent, and somewhat obvious discovery- is abandonment in all things, and giving all to the Will of God… no matter how challenging. It’s nice to say, “yes I want to give all that I am to God”, but it is another- and a much more present and challenging reality to truly abandon yourself completely to God’s providence, Mercy, God’s Will and His Love. A true “yes!” is a daily one… moment to moment- fiat. To feel that you must do this on your own- means disaster and spiritual drowning. All things done with Him, because we are NOTHING without His love and Grace. With this, I have learned that all is a grace- every suffering, every point of discouragement, every joy. These are only a means of getting closer to our one true Love. He who is Love personified and glorified. My prayer is to always keep faithful in this belief- because I will never for once deny that I am weak and imperfect in countless ways.
Letting go has so many ways of manifesting itself within my life. Detachment from friends and family is no easy task, but every rose has its thorn… with that like Guns and Roses got it right. Leaving the “things” behind that make us feel accomplished, safe and secure are no longer necessary.. because Christ must be the only thing that fulfills us and our only necessity. In reality… when you get right down to the heart of the matter- what more could you want?? He is all there is, the source and summit- Love. Habits and ways of behavior must be let go of, and He must take over within us. I must decrease, and He must increase… Thank you John the Baptist =) he got it right.
So far the road less traveled isn’t easy, yet not half bad… but it is loveable in it’s own peacful sense of belonging and purpose. There is an unrest placed within me that in many ways is very beneficial. There is a longing and a certainty for need of growth and improvement. Without that feeling of necessity for improvement- how will we ever arrive at a place where God wants us? It is not a struggle with God’s will.. but rather a striving to achieve it.
In short, I’m just letting Go and letting God.
Peace to you all… for what I have I wish to give to others =)
May 9, 2007
· Filed under Life, religious life, turning points · Tagged country, home, leaving
SO I was listening to the radio the other day… and the dial stopped on this counrty station that I almost NEVER listen to. I’m not a huge country fan, but the lyrics just seem to fit my thoughts perfectly. Below is a bit of the song that I heard, and the part that made the most sense. -
“and its a long way from here, to the place where the home fires burn
well its two thousand miles and one left turn…
…welll I love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl”
I’m moving to California in 3 months! AHHHHH!! In all honesty… I’m pretty darn scared. Ya know how everyone at some point dreams of moving to the place farthest away form their small town childhood home? Well I had those dreams too, sure who wouldn’t? I’ve decided that when push comes to shove, the adventure of moving so far away looses it’s glimmer and attraction to fear. The up side is it’s not like I’m just moving away without anywhere to go or anyhting like that, that’ll all be taken care of. So that aspect is fabulous. I’m also fairly used to being away from home, and have been for a long time- thank youuuu Camp Auxilium. 
The catch is, I haven’t been on a plane since I was 9, and I’ve NEVER been this far from home, and this time, I’m moving OUT! As in, not going back, leaving the nest, getting out of the bubble that is Scranton, leaving my family for good. This is ccrrrraaazy! I can’t believe that the time is here and now. We’re jsut standing on the edge of the abyss that is life, waiting to dive in.
I hope I remember my parachute, because I dont’ plan to hit bottom any time soon- that’s all I can say.
May 7, 2007
· Filed under Life
One of my teachers mentioned this Woody Allen quote the other day, and it struck me as one of the more blatant falsehoods I’ve heard. 80% huh? that’s FAR to big a percentage, maybe 10% of life is showing up, I could believe that a little better. If the majority of effort that we put into life involves just showing up, how tough could life be rriiight?? That means only 20% of life involves effort, great!, that’s not so bad, even I could do that!
The sad thing is, I did do that. I went through the motions alot. In the midst of it all I wasnt’ realizing that if we don’t live life to the fullest and take advantage of every opportunity we are given- we are just skating by, and dancing through life without really making a mark or leaving any footprints. There are lessons to be learned from this behavior, some- inevitably learned the hard way. If we just coast through life- what have we gained?- nothing. What have we lost? – everything we could’ve had. I just went to class and warmed the seat. Some may think I’m being a bit tough, but I don’t think that way- I’m the type of person that’s not easily satisfied. Haha, maybe I’m just a fussy pain in the butt, there is always something lacking.
Somehow it feels like I’ve never given enough. No matter what it feels like there’s always a need to do more, and be more. In some cases I’m certain that I could’ve had greater success if I put more effort into it, but in other circumstances it takes all the running you can do to stay in the same place.
So I guess all I can say is that if all I do for the rest of my life is “show up”, I certainly won’t be doing enough, and I won’t be a very happy camper. So here’s the plan- to not only show up, but to live it well, and to the fullest.
April 26, 2007
· Filed under Life, priorities, reflection · Tagged inventory
I’m Taking inventory of where our real priorities lie- there’s a big difference between where they ARE and where they should be. I think I’m maybe the best example of this- I was up until 2am the other day finishing an assignment, and I was banking on have a STRONG cup of coffee in the morning. Long story short, there was no time for coffee- and I was a cranky little brat all morning because of it. I let my daily dose of caffiene, or lack there of, ruin my morning. How insignificant it turned out to be in the long run- but I still managed to let it start my morning off on the wrong foot. I’ve got to get over the little things, and learn to take these little details in stride. However, when I need to get over being a brat, so does the rest of the world. Just yesterday, I got called to the dean of students for not turning a library book in on time. The dean of students at prep is not someone you want to get called to by any means- she either expels you, gives you JUG, or just repremands you for your petty crime. When I think of going to see the dean of students- it’s usually for no weak offense. The typicial offenders at that office are usually the heavy partiers, the cheaters and the more serious offenders. NOT people who keep a library book past it’s due date. maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but I think it was a little over the top.
I’m sorry to complain so much- I’m on a rant again, I know. I think I’ve just been very restless lately, I cant’ really say why, I just wish i could stop stressing.
There just has to be more than all of these things that seem so insignificant and lame. What’s stressing me out?- stuff that doesn’t matter!- My dance teacher is not so happy with me, and I’m stressing over our show coming up. She expects dance to be my life and the only thing that I care about. There was a time when this was the case in my life and whenever I had a free afteroon it would be spent in the studio working because I loved what I did and couldn’t get enough of it. Now, there is so much more to love. Over time and as you grow the things that once fulilled you no longer fill the void, you must broaden your horizons and move on. It is fact, that these days there are bigger fish to fry than dance and the studio. I must readjust my stressors according to my priorities. Hopefully then I can relax a bit, and actually do what I want to.
April 19, 2007
· Filed under Life, Moods, fear
Okay, so I have a tiny little fear about developing “the baby” syndrome. Of the 8 girls entering this August- I’m the youngest.. but not by much! I’m hoping that if I play my cards right I should be fine and rise above my age- that’s the plan. I think that I’m close in age to about 2 of the other girls, but I have a funny feeling that I’ve got the least life experience. That doens’t bother me much at all, in fact there are many positive sides to being the youngest, and entering young in general. I’m like clay in the potters hands, so what could be the downside?? At 19, I’m not all that young- and we’ve all got to grow up sometime! Well, in every situation there’s bound to be a catch 22. Here’s mine- frankly- I’m a spaz. I’ve realized that no matter how old I get or how much a mature, I’ll always be a doof, I’ll never have any amount of hand eye coordination- and I’ll always be a natural blonde. Oh well we can’t have it all- but those darn brunettes who are good at sports, smart and NOT flakey- they might have a slight upper hand
So… If I’m going to get through anything and grow I’ll have to accept the things that i cannot change, but it is not easy to know the difference. All in good time.
As for overcoming my slight disadvantage by being the youngest- I’ll share with you one of my favorite bible passages, it basically sustains my life!
“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
-Timothy 4:12
All we can do is our best- at any age.
April 16, 2007
· Filed under God, Life, Music, Prayer, Religion, reflection · Tagged beatles, george harrison, ipod
So…I was listening to my iPod on the way home from Jersey today and there was one song and one set of lyrics that just seemed so in sync with my thoughts! I often identify well with music, for me it conveys every emotion very well. The song that stuck was George Harrison’s “What is Life” and the key lyrics for me were-
“Tell me, what is my life without Your love?
Tell me, who am I without You, by my side?”
I interpret things on my own terms from time to time, and this is a prime example. If you’ve got a fine tuned eye for details, you may have noticed that I capitalized the “You’s” In my mind- You stands for God in this particular quotation. Who are we without God with us? Who are we without his love? The answer is NO ONE!- and NOTHING! Strength comes from “the man upstairs” plain and simple, and so much relies on that. Me with my many imperefections- I’m learning this by living it- you can only rely on God to give you the love that you must give to others, and only in God can we find true strength and trust. For me personally… life falls apart without a strong relationship with God. I dont’ mince words when I say “falls apart”… I mean it! Over break – I got some GREAT advice from one of the Sisters- she said you must always have a strong relationship with Mary and an even stronger one with Christ in the Eucharist- without that, there is nothing. Definately the best advice I’ve heard in a LONG time! It just goes to show, that all things, even george harrison songs take on new meaning for what ever situation you are given. What can I say- I was taught by jesuits- I can’t help but find God in all things!
March 21, 2007
· Filed under Life, Religion, freedom, priorities, silly stuff, turning points, youth · Tagged rita's, scranton, spring, spring break
Finally! Spring is here!- In Scranton the first day of Spring is Free Rita’s Day!, and free Dunkin Doughnuts day! Goodbye snow- goodbye heavy workload at school- and hello sunshine and prelude to Summer! To top it off- there are only 14 days until Spring Break!
On a more reflective note, Spring also marks the beginning of the end- the end of high school that is. Finally, what we thought would be a neverending four years has come to a close! NO more semi’s, basketball games, plays, or spirit weeks! no more fridday nights at south side, or Sunday mornings at the Glider… Oh, how the little charms of high school shall be missed.
Springtime is known for new starts and getting rid of the old grey ways of before. For me- it’s the loss of childhood, home, and things as they are now. though I’ll prabably always retain some amount of youth, after this summer, childhood is forever gone. So it is with a heavy heart that I leave high school, but also lots of hope and exciment for what is to come in the future. With growing up you don’t necessarily loose any sense of fun or adventure- those are certainly a few things I plan on holding on to, probably for as long as I live. Just like Frank Sinatra said, I plan on staying “young at heart” for as long as I’m allowed.
How does one sucessfully transition from the highly protected bubble of high school, to the real, responsible, intimidating, world of an adult? I don’t think there’s one clearcut answer to this question, everyone grows into adulthood at their own rate, and in their own way. I just wish I knew mine. There are days that at 18, you feel like you own the world and you can take on any task presented to you. However- there are times that you feel like a guppie swimming among whales.
Though there is much I’m leaving behind, I know deep down it will all be worth it. It’ll hurt at first, and I can abrely imagine leaving my family- that’s going to be hard. There are so many things I’m so excited for!- To be in formation, on the way to being a Sister- will be amazing! ( not easy… but amazing nontheless) To work with kids and be close to Christ and my Sisters- what more could I want?! There is always a price to pay for such happiness, and the hardest step is always the first. So, thank God I’ve got the help of MHC on my side for August!
March 9, 2007
· Filed under Life, Moods, Music, Prayer, Religion, experiences, fear, reflection, stepping stones, turning points, youth
thanks to Buffalo Springfield for my title, it seems to fit my life right now- or at least my emotion of the day. Despite my constant rants, I’m happy most of the time- I just don’t need to write them down quite as much as i need to vent the stressful times. So that’s your forewarning.
The song was originally written to express the turmoil of the early 60’s but for me- it’s the struggle of my will, His will and how I’m going to get there in one piece. Let’s begin by saying, I’m the most indecisive person alive on the planet. Example draws- I go to visit shoes before I can decide if I want to buy them or not, seriously, same goes with large resurtaunt menu’s and outfit choices. Thank God I wear a uniform and have done so for the past 13 years, I think that has kept my morning routine just a little bit more sane. Who ever would’ve thought that over the course of one week in December I would have made the single most important decision of my life. How’d that happen?! I know GOd was highly involved, so I guess I should put my questioning to the side and just give in to it. You feel firm and confident in your decisions one day, but the next- you’re terrified that you’ll fail. That doesnt’ mean I’m going to let my fear impede my entrance, it just means I’m a wimp, and I need to be gently nudged. That’s the real world though, and oddly enough that’s just what the drama director had to say to me this morning- while I had the worst morning of my week, all she could say was “Welcome to the real world, little girl- don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!” Obviously that’s what I WANTED to hear, c’mon- what else would have been more comforting on one of those mornings were even a new zit could bring you to tears?? Yes, that’s the kind of morning that I had- I cried about burnt coffee. Lame, I know. I’m an emotional wreck- there’s no easy way to put it.
I blame STRESS! School, insane family, APPLICATION!, friends, and jsut frustration with high school and all that it entails at this point. All these things are slowly causing my downfall.
Okay, end of rant- I’m going to go cry over something lame and prepare fr PARADE day tomorrow… because that’s the only good thing that ever happens in Scranton.
March 7, 2007
· Filed under Crisis, God, Life, Moods, Mother Mazzarello, Prayer, Religion, The becoming, aspirancy, fear, religious life, stepping stones, turning points, youth
Good Morning!
Here i am, sitting in trig not paying attention and writing in my blog rather than paying attention. I’m a second semester senior, we’ve all developed some sort of allergy to doing school work. Although, I must say, despite that fact that we’re all so unwilling to work, we still getting just as much work as before. The quarter ends in 2 weeks, and I’m screwed- let’s just leave it at that.
So my good friend Brittany sent me a very fitting email yesterday, I needed to hear what it said just as I recieved it, funny how timing and Providence works right? Here’s the little quote:
One day a postulant ran into her room. On the verge of tears, she exclaimed: “Mother, I have to go home – today!”
Mother Mazzarello looked up in surprise. “Why, my dear, what’s wrong?”
Gradually the story came in bits between sobs, a combination of homesickness, and childish worry. Mother explained it all to her.
“But I still want to go home!” the girl protested.
“Well, now, there is no sense in dashing off before you even know your own mind. Why don’t you stay with us for month on vacation? Then we’ll pray together, and if you want to return home after that, I’ll go with you myself. How’s that?”
The girl agreed. She stayed and became a wonderful Salesian sister!
This story is basically the story of my life at this point. I’m nothing mroe than a nervous child. I know what i’m getting myself into but faultering under the stresses of my youth. I lack perfect trust, this will come with time and effort but for now I can only ask for strength in doing the will of God. I’m just a kid on a lot of levels but with the inspiration of the Divine- I can’t fail , right?? Well, I don’t think so- not at this rate anyway!
Currently, I’m working my way through writing my autobiography. Writing my autobiography is a requirement of the application for the order, so I’m def not doing this out of my own choosing. It’s not as terrible as I thought however, you can’t help but be very introspective when writing this. There are so many events in my life that I consider significant but have never really recounted on my own in any sort of depth. I guess one of the purposes of the autobiography is to recount how you developed into the person that you are. This includes vocational turning points, relationships, spiritual life, etc etc. It’s all about self-awareness. I feel so lucky to have had so many positiive influences placed in my life. Without these people I don’t think that I would have developed into the person that I am today. Everything happens for a reason and writing this autobiography has only cemented that in my mind.
