Archive for fear

The Youngest among them….

April 19, 2007 · Filed under Life, Moods, fear

Okay, so I have a tiny little fear about developing “the baby” syndrome. Of the 8 girls entering this August- I’m the youngest.. but not by much! I’m hoping that if I play my cards right I should be fine and rise above my age- that’s the plan. I think that I’m close in age to about 2 of the other girls, but I have a funny feeling that I’ve got the least life experience. That doens’t bother me much at all, in fact there are many positive sides to being the youngest, and entering young in general. I’m like clay in the potters hands, so what could be the downside?? At 19, I’m not all that young- and we’ve all got to grow up sometime! Well, in every situation there’s bound to be a catch 22. Here’s mine- frankly- I’m a spaz. I’ve realized that no matter how old I get or how much a mature, I’ll always be a doof, I’ll never have any amount of  hand eye coordination- and I’ll always be a natural blonde. Oh well we can’t have it all- but those darn brunettes who are good at sports, smart and NOT flakey- they might have a slight upper hand :-)

So… If I’m going to get through anything and grow I’ll have to accept the things that i cannot change, but it is not easy to know the difference. All in good time.

As for overcoming my slight disadvantage by being the youngest- I’ll share with you  one of my favorite bible passages, it basically sustains my life!

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
-Timothy 4:12

All we can do is our best-  at any age. 

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Paranoia strikes deep, into your life it will creep…

March 9, 2007 · Filed under Life, Moods, Music, Prayer, Religion, experiences, fear, reflection, stepping stones, turning points, youth

thanks to Buffalo Springfield for my title, it seems to fit my life right now- or at least my emotion of the day. Despite my constant rants, I’m happy most of the time- I just don’t need to write them down quite as much as i need to vent the stressful times.  So that’s your forewarning.

The song was originally written to express the turmoil of the early 60’s but for me- it’s the struggle of my will, His will and how I’m going to get there in one piece. Let’s begin by saying, I’m the most indecisive person alive on the planet. Example draws- I go to visit shoes before I can decide if I want to buy them or not, seriously, same goes with large resurtaunt menu’s and outfit choices. Thank God I wear a uniform and have done so for the past 13 years, I think that has kept my morning routine just a little bit more sane. Who ever would’ve thought that over the course of one week in December I would have made the single most important decision of my life. How’d that happen?! I know GOd was highly involved, so I guess I should put my questioning to the side and just give in to it. You feel firm and confident in your decisions one day, but the next- you’re terrified that you’ll fail. That doesnt’ mean I’m going to let my fear impede my entrance, it just means I’m a wimp, and I need to be gently nudged. That’s the real world though, and oddly enough that’s just what the drama director had to say to me this morning- while I had the worst morning of my week, all she could say was “Welcome to the real world, little girl- don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!” Obviously that’s what I WANTED to hear, c’mon- what else would have been more comforting on one of those mornings were even a new zit could bring you to tears?? Yes, that’s the kind of morning that I had- I cried about burnt coffee. Lame, I know.  I’m an emotional wreck- there’s no easy way to put it.

I blame STRESS! School, insane family, APPLICATION!, friends, and jsut frustration with high school and all that it entails at this point. All these things are slowly causing my downfall.

Okay, end of rant- I’m going to go cry over something lame and prepare fr PARADE day tomorrow… because that’s the only good thing that ever happens in Scranton.

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A story written ages ago, but written for me!

March 7, 2007 · Filed under Crisis, God, Life, Moods, Mother Mazzarello, Prayer, Religion, The becoming, aspirancy, fear, religious life, stepping stones, turning points, youth

Good Morning!

Here i am, sitting in trig not paying attention and writing in my blog rather than paying attention. I’m a second semester senior, we’ve all developed some sort of allergy to doing school work. Although, I must say, despite that fact that we’re all so unwilling to work, we still getting just as much work as before. The quarter ends in 2 weeks, and I’m screwed- let’s just leave it at that.

So my good friend Brittany sent me a very fitting email yesterday, I needed to hear what it said just as I recieved it, funny how timing and Providence works right? Here’s the little quote:

One day a postulant ran into her room. On the verge of tears, she exclaimed: “Mother, I have to go home – today!”

Mother Mazzarello looked up in surprise. “Why, my dear, what’s wrong?”

Gradually the story came in bits between sobs, a combination of homesickness, and childish worry. Mother explained it all to her.

“But I still want to go home!” the girl protested.

“Well, now, there is no sense in dashing off before you even know your own mind. Why don’t you stay with us for month on vacation? Then we’ll pray together, and if you want to return home after that, I’ll go with you myself. How’s that?”

The girl agreed. She stayed and became a wonderful Salesian sister!

This story is basically the story of my life at this point. I’m nothing mroe than a nervous child. I know what i’m getting myself into but faultering under the stresses of my youth. I lack perfect trust, this will come with time and effort but for now I can only ask for strength in doing the will of God. I’m just a kid on a lot of levels but with the inspiration of the Divine- I can’t fail , right?? Well, I don’t think so- not at this rate anyway!

Currently, I’m working my way through writing my autobiography. Writing my autobiography is a requirement of the application for the order, so I’m def not doing this out of my own choosing. It’s not as terrible as I thought however, you can’t help but be very introspective when writing this. There are so many events in my life that I consider significant but have never really recounted on my own in any sort of depth. I guess one of the purposes of the autobiography is to recount how you developed into the person that you are. This includes vocational turning points, relationships, spiritual life, etc etc. It’s all about self-awareness. I feel so lucky to have had so many positiive influences placed in my life. Without these people I don’t think that I would have developed into the person that I am today. Everything happens for a reason and writing this autobiography has only cemented that in my mind.

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