January 4, 2008
· Filed under Life, aspirancy, experiences · Tagged detachtment
I returned to california today, and a little part of me missed it just a tiny bit, or at least I thought I missed it. Then, I was caught like a deer in headlights. O ne thing led to another… and my heart was right back to where it had been, being smashed to bits by concepts like: “detachment” “submission” and “change”
I hate these words, they just dont’ sit well with me at all. Don’t get me wrong, I missed alot of important things about Cali – the Sisters there, the kids at Savio, the huge Parish- and I love all these things very much, but certainly not these ideas of seperateing your soul from your heart. I’m certainly not a wise person, so maybe I just don’t understand these things at their fullest yet- but it seems to me like the only place these concepts will ge me to is a state of mind where I no longer can possess emotions of humanity- because I’m supposed to be so darn submissive and detached!
What’s so wrong with loving something? a place? Is it a sin to be comfortable and happily set in your ways?- I hope not! I say- if it ain’t broke, dont’ fix it! Whoever thought up all this detatchemtn stuff anyway. I’ve come to know that it’s one thing to be detached from what keeps you from finding God, but another thing to become so detached that you can no longer have a good friendship or do things the way you feel comfortable. Right now for me, these concepts only cause a bit of heartache, I can’t say that I’m at a palce where they bring me closer to God.
Sad as that may seem, I’m working on it- but it’s no easy task. Nothing is an easy task anymore. So why is it that children look foward to growing up? Why do seniors look foward to graduation day, and college? I don’t get it- this life only gets harder so maybe I’ll try to stay put for a bit. Too bad the forces of nature and the convent are against me.
that’s all for my rant- please dont’ take me too seriously, because I rarely do myself.
April 18, 2007
· Filed under Music, experiences, stepping stones, theater · Tagged bittersweet, opportunity, Sound of Music
As some of you may know my schools spring production is The Sound of Music. Here’s a bit of irony for you all- I was cast as a little novice! Yes, that means I’ll be sporting a full novice habit, little white veil and all! You can count on me posting tons of pics when we start full rehearsals! Maybe this will ease the process of telling the rest of my friends that I’m actually becoming a nun, I mean at least we’ll already be dressed for the occasion! Yesterday a friend of mine ( who has no idea abotu August) came up to me and said- “hey, ya knwo that’s a great look for you you should totally become a nun!” Gotta love the IRONY there!
As of April 18th there are officially only 24 more school days until I graduate from high school! With the ending of high school, is the ending of whatever remnance of childhood that I have left. Such a bittersweet realization, to leave all that you have known behind and move on. Sometimes we can become comfortable in out current situations, and becuase of this we resist change. Though we resist it, change in inevitable and something that we all have to face. Everyone gows up, whether they like it or not, and so I face a turning point which is slightly more intense than the one that many of my classmates are facing.
In discussing the end of high school with a good friend she gave me some good advice… this time of high school only comes once and you must live it to the fullest, love it and relish every moment! I think I’m doing a pretty decent job of this- high school is fun, and there are lots of things I’m going to miss. God knows I keep myself busy enough, but sometimes we are TOO busy. Too busy to savor the moment and take inventory of what’s really going on in our lives.
This leads me to a new problem- I’m on the verge of quitting dance for good. This spring I’m scheduled to be in two shows, Sound of Music and my dance Studio’s- Lion King. Rehearsals for two shows are just too much to handle at the same time right now. It’s been causing alot of unneeded stress. I just can’t do it all, something’s gotta give. I’ve been dancing for abotu 6 years now, and I’ve loved every minute of it- but when push comes to shove I prefer to have time to sleep over dancing for 3 hours a day and then another 4 hours of play rehearsal every day. In years past I’ve been able to juggle with little trouble- but this year is different. Too many schedule conflicts and too many missed Lion King rehearsals to fully commit myself to the show. Just as there are two sides to every story there are two sides to this one as well. I made a commitment to both shows, and I HATE to quit something after I’ve made a commitment. I feel like I will have let some one down, and there’s almost nothing more that I hate then that. Yes, there is yet another dilemma and another choice to be made. After all, that is what life is right?- choices.
March 9, 2007
· Filed under Life, Moods, Music, Prayer, Religion, experiences, fear, reflection, stepping stones, turning points, youth
thanks to Buffalo Springfield for my title, it seems to fit my life right now- or at least my emotion of the day. Despite my constant rants, I’m happy most of the time- I just don’t need to write them down quite as much as i need to vent the stressful times. So that’s your forewarning.
The song was originally written to express the turmoil of the early 60’s but for me- it’s the struggle of my will, His will and how I’m going to get there in one piece. Let’s begin by saying, I’m the most indecisive person alive on the planet. Example draws- I go to visit shoes before I can decide if I want to buy them or not, seriously, same goes with large resurtaunt menu’s and outfit choices. Thank God I wear a uniform and have done so for the past 13 years, I think that has kept my morning routine just a little bit more sane. Who ever would’ve thought that over the course of one week in December I would have made the single most important decision of my life. How’d that happen?! I know GOd was highly involved, so I guess I should put my questioning to the side and just give in to it. You feel firm and confident in your decisions one day, but the next- you’re terrified that you’ll fail. That doesnt’ mean I’m going to let my fear impede my entrance, it just means I’m a wimp, and I need to be gently nudged. That’s the real world though, and oddly enough that’s just what the drama director had to say to me this morning- while I had the worst morning of my week, all she could say was “Welcome to the real world, little girl- don’t let the door hit you in the arse on the way out!” Obviously that’s what I WANTED to hear, c’mon- what else would have been more comforting on one of those mornings were even a new zit could bring you to tears?? Yes, that’s the kind of morning that I had- I cried about burnt coffee. Lame, I know. I’m an emotional wreck- there’s no easy way to put it.
I blame STRESS! School, insane family, APPLICATION!, friends, and jsut frustration with high school and all that it entails at this point. All these things are slowly causing my downfall.
Okay, end of rant- I’m going to go cry over something lame and prepare fr PARADE day tomorrow… because that’s the only good thing that ever happens in Scranton.
March 4, 2007
· Filed under God, Life, Mother Mazzarello, Prayer, Religion, experiences, insanity, religious life, youth
Okay so, here it is- my blog, the one thing I avoided because I’m such a terrible journaler.. I owe that to my attention span worthy of a gnat. Oh well, life moves on… So people have been bugging me to get a blog for ages so here it is- my submission to not so terrible peer pressure. I think this may be a good way to release my little emotional outburts ( whether sane or insane) on something other than a person. No one person needs to feel the brunt of my rants– thus is my reason for starting a BLOG!
So let me tell you a tiny bit about myself. I just turned 19 and I live in the slow hell that I like to call Lake Ariel, PA- it’s right outside of Scranton. I go to the Scranton Preparatory School and I’m trudging my way through the second semester of my senior year. Overall Prep isn’t half bad… i’m just, done with high school at this point, if you get my drift. I’m a dancer, I love broadway and all musicals, I have a great time teaching a great group of munchkins in CCD at my church and I love my family more than anything!
I’m ususally a pretty optimistic and upbeat person, however I may rant alot in this blog… so you all may be often subject to my not sooptimistic side… so forwarning.
Lots of people have been asking what my plans are for after high school.. well I’ll tell you now- Get readddy!!
Yes, I went to a college Prep school, but I wont’ be going straight to college! (this may shock and appall you) haha- God and I have different plans. I’ve asked to enter the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco, and God willing I will be entering the convent on August 4th 2007! Nothing like breaking the mold of a prep school kid like entering the convent right out of high school! It will be a challenge, but one that I am willing to take on wholeheartedly. What better than to be counter cultural in a world so needy of change?
You ask: “Why would you do such a crazy thing!?”.. well, if you knew what I knew, and you felt what I felt… you’d be making the same crazy decision that I am! Everyone searches for that one thing in like that will complete them, that one this that will sustain a level of happiness and fill that “God sized vacuum” People sometimes take their whole lives to satisfy this void. I’m so happy to say that I have found my one thing, the one thing that completes who I am, and who I’m meant to be. I want to give of myself completely, with no reservations, to God through the young and the poor. There is nothing that would make me happier. No, I have not made a simple job choice, but a complete lifestyle choice that transcends from this life to the next. I may only be 19, but I know what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it. I’m doing it because I’m meant to, I’m doing this because God wants me too, and I’m with Him on this one, so here it goes- ALL or nothing!
