Archive for aspirancy

What you miss- you never had.

January 4, 2008 · Filed under Life, aspirancy, experiences · Tagged

I returned to california today, and a little part of me missed it just a tiny bit, or at least I thought I missed it. Then, I was caught like a deer in headlights. O ne thing led to another… and my heart was right back to where it had been, being smashed to bits by concepts like: “detachment” “submission” and “change” 

I hate these words, they just dont’ sit well with me at all. Don’t get me wrong, I missed alot of important things about Cali – the Sisters there, the kids at Savio, the huge Parish- and I love all these things very much, but certainly not these ideas of seperateing your soul from your heart. I’m certainly not a wise person, so maybe I just don’t understand these things at their fullest yet- but it seems to me like the only place these concepts will ge me to is a state of mind where I no longer can possess emotions of humanity- because I’m supposed to be so darn submissive and detached!

What’s so wrong with loving something? a place? Is it a sin to be comfortable and happily set in your ways?- I hope not! I say- if it ain’t broke, dont’ fix it! Whoever thought up all this detatchemtn stuff anyway. I’ve come to know that it’s one thing to be detached from what keeps you from finding God, but another thing to become so detached that you can no longer have a good friendship or do things the way you feel comfortable. Right now for me, these concepts only cause a bit of heartache, I can’t say that I’m at a palce where they bring me closer to God.

Sad as that may seem, I’m working on it- but it’s no easy task. Nothing is an easy task anymore. So why is it that children look foward to growing up? Why do seniors look foward to graduation day, and college? I don’t get it- this life only gets harder so maybe I’ll try to stay put for a bit. Too bad the forces of nature and the convent are against me.

that’s all for my rant- please dont’ take me too seriously, because I rarely do myself.

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A story written ages ago, but written for me!

March 7, 2007 · Filed under Crisis, God, Life, Moods, Mother Mazzarello, Prayer, Religion, The becoming, aspirancy, fear, religious life, stepping stones, turning points, youth

Good Morning!

Here i am, sitting in trig not paying attention and writing in my blog rather than paying attention. I’m a second semester senior, we’ve all developed some sort of allergy to doing school work. Although, I must say, despite that fact that we’re all so unwilling to work, we still getting just as much work as before. The quarter ends in 2 weeks, and I’m screwed- let’s just leave it at that.

So my good friend Brittany sent me a very fitting email yesterday, I needed to hear what it said just as I recieved it, funny how timing and Providence works right? Here’s the little quote:

One day a postulant ran into her room. On the verge of tears, she exclaimed: “Mother, I have to go home – today!”

Mother Mazzarello looked up in surprise. “Why, my dear, what’s wrong?”

Gradually the story came in bits between sobs, a combination of homesickness, and childish worry. Mother explained it all to her.

“But I still want to go home!” the girl protested.

“Well, now, there is no sense in dashing off before you even know your own mind. Why don’t you stay with us for month on vacation? Then we’ll pray together, and if you want to return home after that, I’ll go with you myself. How’s that?”

The girl agreed. She stayed and became a wonderful Salesian sister!

This story is basically the story of my life at this point. I’m nothing mroe than a nervous child. I know what i’m getting myself into but faultering under the stresses of my youth. I lack perfect trust, this will come with time and effort but for now I can only ask for strength in doing the will of God. I’m just a kid on a lot of levels but with the inspiration of the Divine- I can’t fail , right?? Well, I don’t think so- not at this rate anyway!

Currently, I’m working my way through writing my autobiography. Writing my autobiography is a requirement of the application for the order, so I’m def not doing this out of my own choosing. It’s not as terrible as I thought however, you can’t help but be very introspective when writing this. There are so many events in my life that I consider significant but have never really recounted on my own in any sort of depth. I guess one of the purposes of the autobiography is to recount how you developed into the person that you are. This includes vocational turning points, relationships, spiritual life, etc etc. It’s all about self-awareness. I feel so lucky to have had so many positiive influences placed in my life. Without these people I don’t think that I would have developed into the person that I am today. Everything happens for a reason and writing this autobiography has only cemented that in my mind.

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